Hey ya’ll,
It has been just over a week since I posted my little life and health update. I got some nail polish things and am busy trying them out and forming my opinions, so keep your eyes peeled for that if you’re interested. In the mean time, I wanted to come back on here and talk about what life has been like for me over the past few weeks and months, and what is to come.
A Synopsis of My Neurological Issues
First of all, for those of you not aware, I was diagnosed with FND, or functional neurological disorder nearly 4 years ago now, and my life is not at all what it used to be. 4.5 years ago I was fairly healthy, very active, in the best shape I had ever been in, and in a good place in life. I was getting ready for a cross country move that I was very excited for, and was looking forward to plugging into club sports after I moved and using that as a way to make friends. I bring this up, because at this stage of my life it is not even something I really entertain the thought of anymore, as it is not something I have been capable of in a long time, and thinking about it for too long makes me kind of sad.
A few months before I was set to leave the symptoms started. It was a spasm and a twitch/tic that came on when I was too tired. It wasn’t interfering with my life, and was something that I could usually play off except to the people who spent the most time with me. But that was all it was, so honestly my friends and I just had a bit of a laugh about it and we all moved on. It was that August that everything changed. I had just moved, and was at a large event when I collapsed. I was rushed to the ER, where they found nothing and sent me home. But nothing was ever really the same after that. My health continued to worsen until I was unable to walk, was sleeping 17 hours a day, and was really struggling. I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder in October of that year during a second trip to the ER. In the years after that my symptoms have fluctuated greatly. There have been times where I felt totally capable to live a normal life, and there have been periods where the symptoms all come back in force and I feel like I’m drowning.
Right now is one of those times.
I have been sleeping at every moment I am not working, in pain, missing church and events with my friends. I broke down crying at the grocery store because I was too weak to walk around, and almost too confused to make it home. After dealing with this the past month this week I had a first appointment with a functional neurologist, and got some more answers about what is wrong with me. I finally saw someone understand my problems and wants to help me. And I have more appointments and new therapies to try in the coming weeks.
It’s weird, but even thought it was overwhelmingly good to see the new neurologist, and time someone gives me a new label or diagnosis (this time it was POTS), I feel angry, and unable to really talk about it for a couple of days. It makes me feel validated but overwhelmed and confused.
I look back on my life and my health issues, and I am struck by how good God has been through it all. How faithful he has been even when I have doubted. I have lost friends and community through this, but I have also gained the kind of friends and community that do not go away when things are hard. I am thankful for all the support I continue to receive from the people in my life.
I would love to keep talking about this, but like I said, after this last appointment I feel overwhelmed, and I have not figured out what to say yet. I suppose I will probably be back another time to talk about my experiences with Functional Neurology and my thoughts when they are more collected.
I hope to be back next week with some of my collected thoughts on the nail stuff I have been trying out, so stay tuned for that if you’re interested.
I hope everyone reading this is having a baller day, I would love to hear about something that made you smile today :))
Signed, your friendly neighborhood blogger
journal of a dreamer. 