Life recently has been full of so many changes, things that make me feel like I am doing better than I ever have been, and moments that make me think I still have no idea what I am doing with my life. There are some people I have learned will support me no matter what, and some people I have learned I will not ever get support from.
Now, as I look to the fact I am getting married in just over 40 days, I see that after this semester my life will be permenantly different. Honestly, I look forward to that. I don’t want my life to become stagnant, and I look to the change with excitement and a certain level of wonder. Not that married life is going to be easy, but that I know I am pledging the rest of my life to a man that loves me more than I could ever have asked.
The end of school, a new internship, and a remarkable amount of independance seems a bit overwhelming. When did I get to the point in my life where people let me make my own decisions? It almost doesn’t seem real. But God has been so good to me during this time in my life, and the realationships that I have built during college have pointed me consistently in a better direction than my highschool self could have ever imagined. Consistently I see myself caring more about others than I care about being selfish, there is so much joy associated with that.
So what about school? It’s really good, honestly I don’t regret going into Social Work, and every day I look forward to professional practice more and more. Getting to learn about needy populations and knowing that after I graduate I will be able to work on my own with those populations honestly excites me. I let the comments from people who think I lost my mind going into this field slide off my back now. These comments no longer have any effect on the peace I feel about what I am doing in life.
To be honest there have been times during the last several years that I just waned to give up and stop, drop out and pretend there isn’t anything I want out of life. But the more I pray through things, and the more I give up having everything I want in the moment in order to have what I truly want, the more I find there to be peace, and such intense joy in my life.
Something that I keep in mind so often is 2 Corinthians 4:7-9, which is a passage that discusses the truth of the Gospel and the power of Christ as a gift that we carry in in our bodies, fragile as jars of clay, because God is powerful and we are not. There have been so many moments where I have felt powerless as I navigate the chronic health struggles that have come about because of my FND (functional neurological disorder) which has at times stolen my ability to walk and participate in everyday life. But I am not reliant on my own strength and a body that is always failing me, but I rely on Christ.
My health feels so tied to my time in college, that I so often cannot think of one without considering the other. But as I learn more about myself, and find friends, and my fiance who pick up where I leave off, and help make sure that my needs are met. I used to be so independant, but these days I rely so much onto other people and the help they give me. Needing help can sometimes feel so incredibly shameful, but I have learned through much failure that it is incredibly important.
And lastly for this post, what about me getting married? Well, I have found the most loving man I can imagine, who never teats me like a burden who is always there to encourage me when I feel like giving up. I am not a super romantic person, but to say that I am excited to marry this man would be an absolute understatement. Getting things to set up our apartment, and taking through the logistics of life after marriage make me so excited that I get to spend the rest of my life with this absolutely amazing man. And getting to see my family embrace him as part of the family, and get excited about our wedding has been so delightful.
So that’s me and my life right now. Things are crazy, but as hard as things can be sometimes, God has still been so good to me, and I look forward to getting to look back and see how I am growing through this.
How are you all, let me know!
journal of a dreamer. 